Me, Too

Ever since I began this blog, I’ve had a quote on the side bar that says, “It's better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly.” This quote appears in my favorite book, Eat.Pray.Love., which I often re-read passages from to remind me that loving yourself will help you to love others deeper and with better understanding.

Yesterday I got home from babysitting and snuggled into my bed while the rain poured outside. I curled around my computer and decided to watch some TED speeches for inspiration. TED is a non-profit whose main goal is to spread ideas that matter. And just like fate, I stumbled upon this video by Brene Brown about vulnerability.

As a soon-to-be-graduate, it’s become the question of the hour. “What are you doing next year? What are your plans? Where will you be?” and the answer remains—uncertain. And when I babysat yesterday morning and the 9-year-old heard my response she simply said, “That’s OK. Just means you’ll get to hang out with me more.”

That made me smile. And think.

I go to one amazing university and as you saw in my post about Holi the other day, this school challenges me to be bigger, better and love others passionately. But I also feel like it challenges me to be perfect in life because everyone is seemingly so successful with anything and everything they do. It makes you feel what I thought was “guilt” about not being the best. After watching Brown’s video about vulnerability, it became clear that that guilt that I was feeling was not guilt at all. It was shame. Shame is different because it only affects you and you alone. You have those days where you say, “I am not ____ enough.” My GPA is not high enough. I am not qualified enough. I have not accomplished enough. And it’s that shame that creates a vulnerability that is so strong that when things like finding a job become difficult—it creates a vicious cycle of self doubt. A cycle that has brought me and several friends down in the last couple of weeks.

But the thing is is that we’re all feeling it. Not just me. Not just you.

We have to talk about shame, even though no one wants to ever talk about it. Because when we want something, shame is the thing that keeps us from accomplishing it. Shame keeps us from dreaming big.  It keeps us from living. If we can quiet it down, that’s when we really begin to live and that’s when we see that the only critic we really have is us. 

And that’s where vulnerability comes in.

To be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen emotionally by others, is the most accurate measure of courage. And courage is the key to defeating shame. Because it takes courage to say, “You know what? I am imperfect and that’s OK.” Shame is an epidemic in our culture. We numb vulnerability and shame—we eat that pizza and that chocolate chip cookie because it makes us feel good, but only for a minute. Our world is full of vulnerabilities—and you cannot selectively numb your vulnerabilities because when you numb the hard feelings, you also numb joy.

And so in order to defeat this numbing, which stems from the attempts to make the uncertainties in life certain and from striving for perfection, we must let ourselves be seen, practice gratitude and joy in moments of terror, be grateful, and believe that we are enough.

When we believe that we are enough, we are kinder to ourselves and then to the people around us. We are all interconnected and we must know that no matter what we are going through and no matter what uncertainties in life there are, there are others who are feeling the same. And sometimes in their most vulnerable moments, the only thing people need is someone to say, “Me, too”. I understand.

When I first had this realization this weekend, it hit me that not only did I need to be nicer to myself, but that this would allow me to be a better friend. To be more understanding. To listen. To expect imperfections and to ask for vulnerability from all friends. To reassure them that any shame they have is just their own thoughts—and no one else’s. Because being imperfect is beautiful. And being vulnerable strengthens an awareness about ourselves that we’ve never had before. Because in life, we’re going to be faced with uncertainties and relying on our relationships with others is the only way were going to hear those important, reassuring words: “Me, too”.

I leave you with a quote I’ve re-read all week:

"If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over & you'll find your way again.”