Me, Too

Ever since I began this blog, I’ve had a quote on the side bar that says, “It's better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly.” This quote appears in my favorite book, Eat.Pray.Love., which I often re-read passages from to remind me that loving yourself will help you to love others deeper and with better understanding.

Yesterday I got home from babysitting and snuggled into my bed while the rain poured outside. I curled around my computer and decided to watch some TED speeches for inspiration. TED is a non-profit whose main goal is to spread ideas that matter. And just like fate, I stumbled upon this video by Brene Brown about vulnerability.

As a soon-to-be-graduate, it’s become the question of the hour. “What are you doing next year? What are your plans? Where will you be?” and the answer remains—uncertain. And when I babysat yesterday morning and the 9-year-old heard my response she simply said, “That’s OK. Just means you’ll get to hang out with me more.”

That made me smile. And think.

I go to one amazing university and as you saw in my post about Holi the other day, this school challenges me to be bigger, better and love others passionately. But I also feel like it challenges me to be perfect in life because everyone is seemingly so successful with anything and everything they do. It makes you feel what I thought was “guilt” about not being the best. After watching Brown’s video about vulnerability, it became clear that that guilt that I was feeling was not guilt at all. It was shame. Shame is different because it only affects you and you alone. You have those days where you say, “I am not ____ enough.” My GPA is not high enough. I am not qualified enough. I have not accomplished enough. And it’s that shame that creates a vulnerability that is so strong that when things like finding a job become difficult—it creates a vicious cycle of self doubt. A cycle that has brought me and several friends down in the last couple of weeks.

But the thing is is that we’re all feeling it. Not just me. Not just you.

We have to talk about shame, even though no one wants to ever talk about it. Because when we want something, shame is the thing that keeps us from accomplishing it. Shame keeps us from dreaming big.  It keeps us from living. If we can quiet it down, that’s when we really begin to live and that’s when we see that the only critic we really have is us. 

And that’s where vulnerability comes in.

To be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen emotionally by others, is the most accurate measure of courage. And courage is the key to defeating shame. Because it takes courage to say, “You know what? I am imperfect and that’s OK.” Shame is an epidemic in our culture. We numb vulnerability and shame—we eat that pizza and that chocolate chip cookie because it makes us feel good, but only for a minute. Our world is full of vulnerabilities—and you cannot selectively numb your vulnerabilities because when you numb the hard feelings, you also numb joy.

And so in order to defeat this numbing, which stems from the attempts to make the uncertainties in life certain and from striving for perfection, we must let ourselves be seen, practice gratitude and joy in moments of terror, be grateful, and believe that we are enough.

When we believe that we are enough, we are kinder to ourselves and then to the people around us. We are all interconnected and we must know that no matter what we are going through and no matter what uncertainties in life there are, there are others who are feeling the same. And sometimes in their most vulnerable moments, the only thing people need is someone to say, “Me, too”. I understand.

When I first had this realization this weekend, it hit me that not only did I need to be nicer to myself, but that this would allow me to be a better friend. To be more understanding. To listen. To expect imperfections and to ask for vulnerability from all friends. To reassure them that any shame they have is just their own thoughts—and no one else’s. Because being imperfect is beautiful. And being vulnerable strengthens an awareness about ourselves that we’ve never had before. Because in life, we’re going to be faced with uncertainties and relying on our relationships with others is the only way were going to hear those important, reassuring words: “Me, too”.

I leave you with a quote I’ve re-read all week:

"If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over & you'll find your way again.”

Happy Birthday, Sissy!

Sissy,

I value and love our relationship so much. You are amazing at all that you do--being a mother, teacher, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. You've taught me a lot through the years. Showing me that people come first-- and love is what everyone needs. Reminding me that people should be seen for their good, never their bad. And that enjoying the small things in life is important.

I love you so much. You've been such an amazing role model for me. Your positivity and willingness to give make you who you are. I am so proud of you.

Happy Birthday.

Love Always,
Sissy

Every Moment

I’ve never been a warm weather person. In fact, if you asked me my favorite time of the year a couple months ago, I would have said it’s the months between fall and winter, when the temperatures begin to drop and you’re forced to pull out the boots, jackets, and long-sleeve shirts. I would have told you how much I loved the falling snow and the rosy cheeks of the faces peaking out of hooded coats.

But things have changed and I am digging warm weather. I’m happily pulling out my tank tops and shorts and soaking up rays like never before. Choosing to walk the 30 minutes to class instead of catching the bus. Running outside instead of going to the gym. Riding with the windows down and my arm perched on the outside of the car catching the beautiful sunshine.
Hello, warm weather. Hello, Spring. 

Today was beautiful. 

I made a promise to myself that today would be  “Carrie Day”, which meant that it would be free from all anxiety about future plans, school, and uncertainty—something so consuming for me lately and something so out of my hands for this self-proclaimed control freak.

So this morning when I woke up, after having had such a great night watching The Hunger Games with several amazing friends, I filled my bag with blanket, sunscreen and Catching Fire and headed to the quad where I laid on the grass and chatted with friends. W decided to take part in a special UNC tradition today, Holi Moli, which had been on my bucket list for years. Holi Moli is a Hindu celebration of the end of the winter months and the beginning of spring, something I, too, have been celebrating. 

And the progression of the colored powder, which when mixed with water creates paint, was amazing! So thankful that my friend, Trevor, captured it all on camera!

And we were covered from head to toe!

And when the paint had dried and hundreds of pictures had been snapped, we headed over to a barbeque to continue our quad sitting and support a good cause.

Today was a reminder I needed.

I go to Carolina. It’s Spring. I have amazing, supportive friends. I have 6 weeks left with this experience. And I need to have days and nights and weeks that are exactly like today.

And to finish it all off--- an Elite 8 win! Go Tar Heels.

“I love UNC. I love the quad in spring and the arboretum in the fall. I love the Pit on a sunny day and Graham Memorial Lounge on a rainy one. I love Roy all the time. But what makes UNC truly special is not our beautiful campus, our distinguished reputation or even our basketball team. It’s us - the student body - who make UNC what it is.”

— Eve Marie Carson

Make every moment count.

Two! Two!

What a jolt I received this week. Returning to Chapel Hill from the Bahamas, there were lovely activities waiting for my unmotivated self like tests, papers, presentations, meetings and e-mails. My week was spent cooped up inside Davis library and at times, I think friends worried about my sanity because when lack of sleep takes over, so does the silliness. The inability to control laughter.

It happened in the stacks this week several times.

But alas, I made it to Thursday! And after my last exam, I collapsed on a blanket on the quad with friends and we chatted about how desperately we needed to get away-- and a margarita.

So even though it was only 68 degrees, windy and pretty chilly, I sat on that beach and read Hunger Games (I keep wanting it to call "Hunger Wars") and I didn't move for a couple hours and just soaked up the sound of...nothing but waves.

The beach is beautiful no matter what the weather.

The sun peaked out now and then.

This week was beautiful. Spring has arrived in North Carolina and it is here to stay.

Whenever I felt overwhelmed by the week, I stepped outside or took a drive in my car with the windows rolled down and country music turned up. It's glorious outside and I find that that's the only place I want to be.

Which is similar to this sweet bug.

He's two now. Yeah, I know. Time sure does goes fast. And Aunt Cawwie was pretty excited to see him and use my camera to take 200+ pictures of his big day.

 Anything with wheels. Anything outside.

 Anything that requires you to end the activity with a huge shrug and a dramatic, "OH NO!"

Being an aunt typically means that Collin can have M&Ms whenever he pleases. When he's throwing one of the below tantrums, Aunt Carrie means "Of course, Collin, you can have anything you want, just don't give me those tears." Even his tantrums are cute.

 And if you ever need lessons in opening up presents, this kid can teach you a thing or two.

 I love when I go to visit that the morning begins with a jumping on the bed.

 And how the majority of the sounds you hear are, "Choo Choo! Beep Beep! Toot Toot!"

 The boy is TWO.

 Happy 2nd birthday, sweet boy.

I will always remember you as the above sweet baby, but you're pretty stinkin' cute at age 2.
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I'm going to try to blog a lot more. There's a lot going on, but I haven't had time to sit down and put my thoughts into meaningful posts. Every time I start writing, it never sounds quite right.

Have a great St. Patrick's Day and weekend,

Carrie